


Giggle at a Funeral

by BossToaster (ChaoticReactions)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Dark Humor, Don't Take This Too Seriously, Funny only by my own standards, Gen, Mood Whiplash, Shiro's sense of humor is bleak, This is apparently funny, so are his chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 06:22:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9535655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticReactions/pseuds/BossToaster
Summary: Stranded and wounded on a planet, Shiro is bleeding out.Luckily, he can still contact his team.Unluckily, he's well enough to talk at them.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have no explanation either.

When Shiro opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed was the light.  The sun shone directly down, at the exact right angle to blind him.  Grunting, he turned his head away to block it.

The second thing Shiro noticed was the pain.

There was a lot of it.

Biting on his bottom lip, Shiro turned onto his side and swallowed the immediate cry of agony that tried to well up.  Then he reached down and touched his side, where the pain was worst.

Even through his glove, he could tell that his hand had come away wet.  Very wet.

Oh, boy.

Closing his eyes again, Shiro scrambled through his memories, trying to remember how he’d ended up here.

They’d been...

Right, the distress signal.  They’d picked up one from a group trying to leave their planet.  After centuries under Galra rule it had been drained so thoroughly of resources that they’d decided to leave and find another instead.

And one of the many scavenger groups had heard about it.  Must have.  Unfortunately, it was one of the bigger ones, which folded in former Galra soldiers with more run of the mill pirates, making them nearly an armada, all with the intentions of stealing whatever they could get.

A society’s worth of resources and wealth had been too good a target to resist.  Especially from a race that wasn’t known for their warfare.

So they’d intervened, and the team had been handling them well.  After all, they weren’t Zarkon’s army.  But just because they weren’t as big or formidable didn’t mean they couldn’t hurt or get lucky shots.

Shiro had been unlucky.  He’d been hit as he was taking out one of the canon-equipped ships.  Not only had the blast disabled some of the Black Lion’s systems, it had also tangled them with the dead ship.

Close enough for the planet to grab them in it’s gravity.

They’d gone down hard.  

But... But Shiro had been okay.  He’d been in the lion, checked the system.  Half a dozen error messages had popped up, and the cameras were hazed with static, so he’d stepped out of the lion to check.  And there’d been a shadow and...

And another one of the ships had crashed down too, very nearly on top of Shiro.

Right.

Shrapnel.  Impact.  Concussive force.

Bleeding heavily from the gut.

Glancing around, Shiro looked for his helmet.  He’d taken it off to have a better view of the damage to the Black Lion, so it was sheer luck that he wasn’t already dead from a gash to the head.

It was...

There.

Just out of reach.

Goddammit.

Taking a deep breath, Shiro glanced down one more time, wincing at the wet, red-stained dirt below his side.  Then he kicked off and reached, biting his tongue against a cry of pain.  Even the little move left him dizzy, and Shiro wondered how long he’d been out.

As soon as he brought the helmet closer, he could hear the voices of the others, battle chatter still going strong.  Rather than put it on right away, Shiro took the relative privacy as a chance to move over, bracing himself on a nearby rock so he could sit up against it.  Then he tilted his head up again, letting the warm sun help fight off the chill.

He’d lot a lot of blood.  More than he had after that fight with Haggar.

Figured that she couldn’t take him out, but Shiro would just have the shitty luck to have a ship crash on him.

Finally, Shiro put on the helmet.  “So.  Good news and bad news.”

“Shiro!” Hunk let out, loud enough that Shiro winced from the feedback.  “Finally!  We’ve been trying to hail you for almost half an hour now.”

“Sorry,” he offered, voice dry.  “I got in a fight with a falling ship.  I’d say I lost, but I’m at least semi-functional, so I’m counting it as a win.”

Lance let out a low breath.  “You sound- are you okay, Shiro?”

“See, that’s the news.”

There was a brief pause.  “Why do you have that tone?” Keith asked, his voice deeply suspicious.

Heh, he was gunna hate this.  He’d never liked Shiro’s sense of humor.

Well, sorry to him, but if Shiro was going to bleed out, he wasn't going to do it in dignified, leaderly silence.  He was going to get his last kicks.

“I’ve got a lock on your position,” Pidge told him, voice tight.  “As soon as we get a break, we’ll come get you.  Now, what news?”

Shiro grinned at the sky.  “Bad news is I’m bleeding out.  Good news is that it’s happening fast.”

There was another pause, then they all erupted into sound.

“What are you talking about?  You’re fine-”

“Just give us a few, we can be there soon-”

“Oh, God, Shiro, don’t even joke like that-”

“That’s _not_ good news!” Keith snarled, louder than the rest.  “Why are you always like this?”

Shiro let out a breathy, wet-sounding chuckle.  “You want me to die slowly?  Man, Keith, what’d I do to piss you off?”

Breath catching, Hunk paused.  “Are you... are you actually being serious?”

“About dying?  Yeah.”

Another pause.  “Okay, screw this.  These pirates are _dead.”_  Keith let out a low noise, almost like a growl.

“There’s gotta be something you can do,” Pidge interjected, an edge of desperation in her voice.  “Something you can bandage yourself with, or just... hold it back.  Hold on.”

“Right,” Lance agreed, voice just as ragged.  “You’re up and talking, you’re probably okay for a few minutes.  We’re finishing up now.  Allura and Coran are coming back from bodyguarding the fleet soon, so just... Just try and help yourself out.”

Shiro snorted.  “Mmm, that sounds like it’ll hurt.  It’s not bad when I stay still.”

“Okay, yeah, you stay still.  Don’t move around too much,” Hunk agreed, nearly breathless.  

That made Shiro laugh, and then he winced.  “Roger that.  Will do.  No moving.  Take your time, I’m good here.  Wish I’d brought cards, but solitare as a last activity is pretty lame.”

Pidge let out a frustrated noise that sounded like it came from behind her teeth.  “What is with you?  Why are you being like this?”

“Oh, I’m always like this,” he replied easily.  “I just bite my tongue.”

“I can confirm that,” Keith replied darkly.  He sounded furious.  Whoops.

Lance took a deep breath.  “But you’re not dying while you’re talking.  So just... stay with us, okay?  What’s worse, death during solitaire or death by pilot error?”

“Lance!” Hunk let out, sounding scandalized, but Shiro only laughed again.

He considered, tilting his head.  “Hm. Uh, solitaire.  Boring.  At least with pilot error I was doing something fun.  Probably faster, too.  Could do with that right about now.”  Thinking it over, Shiro perked.  “Oh!  You wanna take bets on the afterlife?”

“I can’t tell if you’re serious or not anymore,” Pidge muttered darkly.  “Actually, I’m really not sure if the fact that you’re talking is a relief at all.”

“Probably not,” Shiro agreed.

Keith huffed.  “At least you’re not making me promise anything.”

“Keith....” Shiro groaned out.  “If I don’t make it out of here-”

“Shut up.”

“I want you-”

_“Shut up!”_

“To have the stuff I left in storage on Earth.  Jeez, Keith, I’m trying to be nice to you.”

Hunk grunted.  “Okay, this is surreal.  What the hell would we even be betting?”

Pausing, Shiro tilted his head.  The movement made his side ache, and he winced.  “Uh... bragging rights, I guess.  Ghost credits?  Who knows.  I’d say I call dibs on the eternal nothingness of atheism, but it’s a bad call. If I’m right, there’s no afterlife and no one will pay me anyway."

“You are _really_ chatty when you’re bleeding out,” Lance commented.  “Are we sure you’re dying?  Also, I call heaven.”

Shiro snickered and shook his head.  “Nope, too broad.  Pick a denomination.”

“Crap.  Uh, Catholicism.”

Nodding, Shiro grinned.  “Good choice.  I haven’t confessed _shit,_ so I won’t have to pay.  Cool.”  Oh, that emphasis wasn’t smart.  Too much chest movement.  Ow.

Lance snorted.  “How about you just don’t die and pay me anyway?”

“I’m not picking anything because you’re not dying,” Hunk said stubbornly.

“Same,” Pidge replied.  “Besides, you’re right about atheism being a bad call but I refuse to bet anything else.”

Keith made a thoughtful noise.  “Depends.  What’s in your storage?”

Beaming, Shiro tracked his eyes over the sky, trying to see if he could spot the lions, or at least tell which little flashes were from who.  “Are you...” his voice broke, and he cleared his throat.  “Are you playing along?  Damn, red letter day.”

“He’s honestly thrilled,” Lance muttered, more than a little shell shocked.

“Keith never wants to play,” Shiro replied, closing his eyes.  Following the flashes was making him dizzy.  Oh, wait, no, he was just dizzy.   Blood loss. Super fun.  “Never ever.  Won’t let me have my fun.”

Another, longer pause.  “Shiro?  You’re kinda... you’re fading.”

“Mm.”

“Shit.  Shiro. Shiro, c’mon, you never told me what’s in your storage.”

Right.  “Um..”  What was in there?  It had been years.  He’d thrown out a lot.  “Music.  Clothes.  Books.  My desk chair.”  Shiro blinked slowly.  “Don’t throw out the Star Trek shirt.  I like that one.”

“Keith is gunna give it back to you when we’re home, okay?”

“S’not at the castle.  On Earth.”

Shiro closed his eyes as the silence extended again.

When Hunk spoke, his voice was very wet sounding.  “Shiro, you never told us your bet.  You gotta talk about it.  Just a few minutes more, so tell us.”

“Oh.  Dunno.  Astral plane?  Hope not.  Too purple.  Just us, don’t want it to be me.  Get bored n’ lonely.”  Should brought the emergency blanket from Black.  Woulda been warmer.  Was it winter here?  “I had final words.  Dunno if I should say ‘em now.”

Pidge’s breath caught.  “You can say it but not mean it.  Just tell us what you want to say.”

Shiro nodded slowly.  “Yeah.  Gunna be... m’a leaf... ‘I’m a leaf on the wind.  Watch me soar.’”

This time, someone actually let out a hiccuping noise like a sob, and Shiro frowned. “What?  That’s good. Matt made it.  I promised.”

“No, that’s pretty good,” Lance agreed, and Shiro thought he’d been the one crying, from his voice.  “You can tell us again in a minute, okay?  We’re just... we’re gunna get to you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Shiro told him.  “Take your time. You guys are doing great.  Knew you would.  Hey, Pidge?”

“Yeah?”  Oh, or maybe it was her crying. Huh.

“Tell Matt I did it?  M’not good at keeping promises.  Wanted to do this one.”

There was a slam over the comms, like someone had punched something metal.  “Tell him yourself,” Keith snapped.  “Don’t ask Pidge to do your dirty work.”

“Matt’s not here.”

“I don’t care!”

“You’re being very mean.  M’dying.”

“No, you’re not! I won’t let you!”

Shiro’s brows furrowed.  “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

There was a flash above, bright enough that Shiro opened his eyes to look.  His gaze was hazy, and he was having trouble focusing, but it looked like a wormhole.  

“Allura!” Hunk let out, and he was _definitely_ crying.  “Allura, Coran, go get Shiro.  Now!”

The shouting was loud.  Shiro had preferred the joking, especially before the crying.

They were all yelling now, about being under control and going somewhere and his name a lot.  Then again, louder, calling him.

Shiro opened his mouth to try and respond.  He wasn’t exactly sure what he was going to say.  Maybe a joke about not being about to reach the phone right now.  Maybe just to tell them he loved them.

Instead, Shiro’s vision grayed over, spots appearing and spreading, and he slumped over and went still.

***

Opening his eyes was a surprise.

Opening his eyes to find himself in a pod, once again surrounded by his team, was only slightly more so.

Shiro stepped out, and was immediately folded into the chaos of hugs and yelling and accusations of him being the _actual worst,_ which was fair.

“I’m sorry,” he replied, not managing to put real regret in his voice.  “I shouldn’t have said that to you.”

Lance scowled at him, his eyes ringed red.  They all looked that way, honestly, and this time Shiro did feel a twinge of guilt. Mostly for getting himself in that mess to begin with.  “Next time try a little harder to actually stay alive instead of just joking about it.”

There really hadn’t been anything Shiro could do, but he nodded agreeably anyway and let Lance drag him down for another squeeze.

He was passed around again, everyone wanting a chance to hug him and tell him to _never do that again._  But it was late, when he woke up, and eventually he chased them off to go get ready for bed.  They all look exhausted.

Once they were gone, Allura stepped forward and pressed something into Shiro’s hands.  “I listened to the transmission recording,” she told him simply.

Shiro colored slightly.  He didn’t remember everything he’d said, but it hadn’t exactly been a good look.  But he hadn’t thought he’d have to face it later.  “I see.  I apologize for the unprofessional-” he finally glanced down at what she’d handed him and frowned.  It was a pamphlet.  On the front was an Altean in dark, moody lighting, covering their face.  The top read, in what must have been translated by the computers on board, ‘When you want to die’.

It was a suicide awareness pamphlet.

Oh.

“I’m not- There’s no need for this.  That’s just how I joke.  I’ve always been like that, Keith can tell you.”  Shiro shot Allura a wild look, clutching the paper.

Nodding regally, and like she didn’t believe him for a moment, she patted his shoulder.  “We’ll talk about it later.  For now, just read this over.  And please try and get some sleep tonight.”

“Really, it’s not-” Allura’s sympathetic look stopped Shiro’s voice completely, so he just nodded.  With a satisfied smile, she left.

Staring down at his new homework, Shiro sighed.  “My humor is unappreciated in my time.”

 


End file.
